Hello lemon popsicles! Yes indeed, two posts in one day! I’ve added a tiny horror story of mine to Office Mango, A Writer’s Blog, inspired by the picture below. Add yours, there’s lots of time. Anyway, here it is:
We all know the story: a lady feels ready to host her first gathering only to open the Gateway To All Terrible Things, and that’s why Thumbscrews Weekly is here to guide you through any potential mishaps.
The first task is to invite your friends. This is fraught with danger as ladies are prone to ingesting the heads of the young and those hoping to arrange dinner parties, so it’s important you send the requests via post. Be sure to use the finest gilded cards or the first rumblings from the Netherworld will be felt throughout the land. Ensure guests respond by a reasonable date or the face you see in the mirror will look…different somehow.
Once your guests arrive bolt the door behind them against any who haven’t RSVP’d. Of course if a non-RSVPer arrives before expected guests you’ll have to lock the door against all from then on. Remember, no amount of knocking should be answered, even if expected guests turn up. They can’t be helped now.
With everyone seated it’s time to begin the festivities. The food must be the latest recipes from the website, any deviation will be face-meltingly unpleasant. It’s also vital that everyone is either laughing or talking even while eating, any lull will awaken Those Who Cannot Be Named. They must also not be thought of or spoken about, so you’ve a task ahead of you. However with a few well-placed acrobatic dwarves or secretly planted racist you ought to be able to distract everyone, thus ensuring the safe passage to a successful evening.
Well, there we are dear readers, all you’ll need to know. If you abide by the strict code to the letter –the LETTER – you can arise the next morning knowing you are safe for an entire year. Just try not to think about what you’ll have to do the following year. We advise going shopping instead, I hear there’s a sale on at Shoe World. Good luck!