Good morrow ladies and gentlemen. I’m at a writer’s retreat (aka my mate Steve’s):
Note the blobfish slippers. Anyway, I’ll have to keep this brief so here’s a short absurdist bizarro story of mine illustrated by my love puffin Bill Purnell. Enjoy!
Hello all! This is the last day of the October Frights blog hop, though the other authors will be adding content tomorrow so be sure to click the button below.
Here’s a little story about a support group with a difference. Ta ta!
Visit here for more horror/weird short stories
If paranormal/horror/gothic erotica is your thing visit here
And there’s my youtube channel for more free story videos
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My tiny (10,000 word) surreal, bizarro, weird and any other adjective erotica novelette was released today with New Kink. Sometimes I get the urge to write rude things and, being me, they end up just as odd as the usual stuff.
P.S. My artistic partner in crime and cuddles Bill Purnell did the front cover, he’s a very clever pickle.
Here’s the Amazon link.
New Kink proudly presents…
Before you get too excited, let’s give this video a shot. The beloved Sauda Namir reads an excerpt for us in a series called Bizarro Bedtime.
Bizarro Bedtime: S3 E4: Madeleine Swann from Sauda Namir on Vimeo.
With a gorgeous cover from artist Bill Purnell, and a lot of kink packed in a small package, let’s see what she’s about.
“Lillia Gardens is the largest erotic resort in several dimensions. It’s home to colourful flora, weird creatures and time travelling visitors, all ready and willing to get filthy – like Wonderland or Oz but smuttier.
Each story follows a woman from a different era who recieves a mysterious card inviting them to the Gardens, including Sam, a modern Western woman in a failing relationship; Aysun, a member of a Sultan’s harem and Itzel, a Mayan princess. Overseen by their mysterious guide Rex, a rainbow half-man half-bird, they experience all the strange and wonderful things the resort has to offer from vagina seats in the park to a sensory depriving tube.
But it can’t be sunshine and orgasms for everybody, and the Garden needs payment…”
I think we can all agree that it’s far too hot to think. If you’re one of those people who likes the sun then, well, nothing really, just carry on liking the sun and I’ll carry on hiding from it. However I will share with you a web series that I’m continually inspired and fascinated by, Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared.
When I saw the first one, many moons ago, I thought to myself, “what the hell is this?” Then I reached the surprise ending and I was in love. I shared the first episode with the other new authors of Eraserhead Press and we all agreed it was really about us and our editor was the writing pad.
However, I think the third is my favourite. If ever I were to utter the words “This is my aesthetic” it would be about that: a veneer of rainbows and cute, while underneath something very unpleasant lurks. Plus it has a catchy song.
So, without further ado, here’s Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared 1-6
Creativity
Time
Love
Computers
Food
Dreams
I’m sure we all know of the ancient, time-honoured tradition of creepypasta, scary internet stories passed from post to post and now youtube channel to youtube channel. Some of them are downright horrifying, tapping into a dark part of the imagination perhaps more sophisticated stories no longer reach. Some are getting pretty darn sophisticated themselves, with the website Creepypasta now looking more like a horror story site with author’s names attached. Some, however, aren’t, and youtuber Rob Dyke has a new channel reading the worst. By the way check out his other channel, Seriously Strange, it’s very good.
When you send a story into creepypasta.com you can tick a box which sends your story to crappypasta.com if it falls short in some way. Some just need polishing, some need major overhauls and some are just…well, you’ll see.
Disclaimer: I’m sure more than a few of these are written by kids. However, it’s still funny because God knows I’ve written some stinkers in my time and that’s just as a grown up. The tick was checked by the writer to send it to crappypasta so that’s where they went, and we all learn from our mistakes. May they continue writing and improving and, who knows, one of them might become a famous author.
Evil Come (no, not that kind)
Glass Eyed Monster
The Unknown Hunter
Doll To Hell… (his cat features heavily in this one, which makes it worthwhile)
You Will Not Escape
The Real Origin of Jeff the Killer
The True Origin of Eyeless Jack
Jeff the Killer Has A Wife?! (This one reeks of hormones bless her cottons)
The time approaches! That night where you invade someone’s house and move things around while they sleep so they wake up all confused and call the local papers and they come round and it all becomes a really famous case of haunting and you can’t admit it was you because it’s all gone too far so you have to just keep doing it.
To celebrate such a wondrous event I have searched the internet for tales of terror or humour to share with you all, because I’m like that.
I have no idea what’s going on in this UAE (United Arab Emirates) based film, but I quite liked the atmosphere. Cold Feet:
Funny and clever, this is a very entertaining five minutes. The Sleepover:
I wrote about the making of this film for a magazine and got to watch a scene being filmed (the doctor’s office). I also attended the wrap party where zombies carried trays of brightly coloured cakes. Annabelle’s Tea Party:
For an added bonus here’s a making of documentary:
There’s more than a touch of exam anxiety in this Korean tale. The Function:
This was shown as part of a series of shorts on channel 4 in the UK called Random Acts. It’s not strictly a horror but I think genre fans will definitely appreciate the humour. The Ting:
This mischievous short was based on a story called The Open Window by Saki. Read it if you haven’t yet. Certified:
The puppet masters have created another disturbing tale of kid’s songs and innards. Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared 5, Food:
1987 gothic short from Czech stop motion animator Jiří Bárta. The Last Theft:
I remember this Irish short from a film website in 2004 and it stuck with me. The Ten Steps:
This Mexican film has a surprise in store. Luna:
Hello lemon popsicles! Yes indeed, two posts in one day! I’ve added a tiny horror story of mine to Office Mango, A Writer’s Blog, inspired by the picture below. Add yours, there’s lots of time. Anyway, here it is: 
We all know the story: a lady feels ready to host her first gathering only to open the Gateway To All Terrible Things, and that’s why Thumbscrews Weekly is here to guide you through any potential mishaps.
The first task is to invite your friends. This is fraught with danger as ladies are prone to ingesting the heads of the young and those hoping to arrange dinner parties, so it’s important you send the requests via post. Be sure to use the finest gilded cards or the first rumblings from the Netherworld will be felt throughout the land. Ensure guests respond by a reasonable date or the face you see in the mirror will look…different somehow.
Once your guests arrive bolt the door behind them against any who haven’t RSVP’d. Of course if a non-RSVPer arrives before expected guests you’ll have to lock the door against all from then on. Remember, no amount of knocking should be answered, even if expected guests turn up. They can’t be helped now.
With everyone seated it’s time to begin the festivities. The food must be the latest recipes from the website, any deviation will be face-meltingly unpleasant. It’s also vital that everyone is either laughing or talking even while eating, any lull will awaken Those Who Cannot Be Named. They must also not be thought of or spoken about, so you’ve a task ahead of you. However with a few well-placed acrobatic dwarves or secretly planted racist you ought to be able to distract everyone, thus ensuring the safe passage to a successful evening.
Well, there we are dear readers, all you’ll need to know. If you abide by the strict code to the letter –the LETTER – you can arise the next morning knowing you are safe for an entire year. Just try not to think about what you’ll have to do the following year. We advise going shopping instead, I hear there’s a sale on at Shoe World. Good luck!
This blog post made me chuckle, thought I’d share it with you. Taken from the “ragged notebook of an unidentified LA reporter…”
Ok, so I’ve found quite a few great books in charity shops, but there’s often a hidden gem which you truly can’t believe was written. Here are some of those…
Not only is this a biography of Noel Edmunds, it’s an unauthorised biography. This person loved him so much they didn’t even need his permission to start writing. I wonder if he knows… 
I can’t wait to tuck into this masterpiece, tasty. 
This is really quite a niche market. I suppose it’s the flip side of women with underwear and beach accessories. 
This book may well be quite entertaining in a daft way. It’s certainly nice to see coverage of that dark time in history. 
Was Dickens a known alcoholic? Who are Titch and Quackers and why do they want my soul? 
Harmless enough and probably amusing, this jolly hockey sticks book beside the sleazy looking draughts game amused me. 
This story deserves a mention, it was hidden in the sleeve of a Van Morrison record. I wasn’t the one looking inside, I promise. 
I was given the title of this tiny flash fiction by G Arthur Brown and wrote from there. I like to think it gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘adult baby.’
Madeleine Swann 