Guest Post: Story-telling, dating pigeons and homoeroticism: weirdest indie computer games Pt. 1

Today’s words are brought to you by the talented Angie Hewitt. Follow her on Twitter and watch her on Twitch. Enjoy!


Think of computer games, and what comes to mind? Call of Duty, Super Mario, or World of Warcraft? These sorts of big studio titles are well-known, but gaming has always had an indie side. Efforts have been made to unite the two: the highly anticipated No Man’s Sky promised to be the first big budget game with an indie aesthetic and endless exploration. However, the mixed reviews reveal the inevitable disappointment that comes with a hype-culture, a world where zealous fans send death threats to journalists for the crime of reporting a delayed release date.

Despite the industry’s problems, I enjoy playing games; I recently did a 24 hour game marathon for charity, and was lucky enough to have some strange titles to choose from, all on my console. Indie gaming has become a popular business, and part of this may be down to consumer boredom with the same old narratives in more mainstream games. It could also come from platforms like Steam Greenlight, where you can tout a game in the hope people will like what they see and vote for it to be made and released. There’s some utter dross out there, too, and more than a little controversy about a lack of quality control; however, there seem to be more games than ever trying to capture the weary audience’s attention or, better yet, a YouTuber looking for something weird to play.

YouTubers have been doing Let’s Play videos for years and increasingly search the fringe for something original. It pays to stand out when surrounded by clones of Uncharted or Fallout. For those unfamiliar with Let’s Plays, the premise is simple: a YouTuber captures footage of them playing a computer game, often with voiceover and on-screen video of their reactions. For the uninitiated, it may sound odd to derive enjoyment from watching someone else play a game, but many tune in for the YouTuber’s entertaining commentary. Don’t knock it:  PewDiePie makes quite a good living from his unique style of play, with a reported net worth of $12 million.

If you’re looking for something a little off the beaten track, here are a handful of games which aim to deliver something different, even if that means not being to everyone’s taste…


I could write an entire post about Robert Yang’s games, and perhaps, God-willing, one day I shall. Yang is one of the most interesting creative minds to come out of the games industry in recent years. Whilst at first glance his games seem silly or merely titillating, they often have a deeper meaning. Hurt Me Plenty, for example, may just look like a game where you spank a dude, but it slowly reveals itself to be a thought-provoking take on consent.

Succulent is intended as a parody of ‘homo hop’, and the idea that male gay bodies should all conform to a certain type (toned, white, abs for days). The gameplay is simple: “Castro clone” stands before you, an ice lolly in his mouth. Your job is to move the lolly around as he sucks on it. That’s it. Oh, and then the guy also consumes other… things. Play the game and then check out Yang’s blog for an insight into his thought processes (don’t read before playing as it contains ending spoilers!!!). Succulent is available to download for pay what you want.

Virginia and Gone Home

One of the most recent releases on this list, Virginia is part of a sub-genre of gaming often referred to as exploration games, sometimes less charitably called ‘walking simulators’. They are usually short (around 2 hours long), with minimal action required (press X here, walk there), and the focus is on the narrative. Virginia is a prime example of this. You are an FBI agent in the 1990s, sent to a little U.S. town to solve a missing persons case. However, you have your own secrets to reveal, and they’re not always pleasant ones. The twist? There is no dialogue throughout the entire story, and part of the joy is working out what the hell is going on. The game reminded me of Twin Peaks with its dream sequences, and there was more than a sly nod at an X Files influence. Play it if you can; it’s definitely an interesting experience.

A quick shoutout to Gone Home as well – another game set in the 90s, your role is to walk around your childhood home and uncover the mysteries within your family. Unlike Virginia, it has dialogue provided through diaries, letters, phone messages and voice recordings. This interactive story takes time to build characters, making you care about this supposedly everyday family before you even realise it’s happening.

Though your main task is to find out what’s happened to your little sister, the father was a surprise: he proved to be a more subtle and rewarding character than initially presented. You won’t necessarily get all the subtext straightaway, but clues about the father’s past, and what drives him, are peppered throughout.

Hatoful Boyfriend

From one unique experience to another…

Hatoful Boyfriend is based around the visual novel genre popular in Japan. Again narrative-focused, it’s more like watching a story unfold based on your choices. However, there are multiple endings (HB has about 14) and the point is to play through the game again and again, making different decisions to unlock the different outcomes. These kinds of games are usually dating sims, where you’re trying to pick which boy or girl to romance.

Hatoful Boyfriend takes the idea of the dating sim and puts a new spin on it. For reasons neither Jesse Cox nor I understood, you are a human girl at a school for birds. Yes. You are trying to romance birds. Talking birds, no less, ranging from a puffy aristocrat, to a deranged athlete obsessed with pudding.

Don’t ask why because it will not tell you, at least, not at first. The storylines are often bizarre and surprising; if you don’t make the correct choices, a ninja comes to murder you in the night, meaning you have to start all over. However, stick with it: a strange narrative emerges. You get a glimpse of this during a sequence where you’re travelling. There is meant to be a section unlocked if you successfully romance the ‘bad boy’ characters (helpfully called the ‘Bad Boy’ storyline), which reveals how the world came to be in this state. I’ve yet to complete it, but God speed, pigeon fanciers!


Another exploration game of sorts, Journey stole my breath away. It is, visually, one of the most beautiful games I have ever seen. You are a traveller on a journey, with the ability to flutter along the wind. As you fly around, music soars as well, creating a sense of joy and adventure.

The puzzles are interesting, though may not be challenging enough for some, especially as other, silent players will show up to demonstrate what to do next. That’s fine, though; it just means you get to spend more time appreciating the style and feel of the desert world. It is one of the most relaxing games I’ve ever played, and thoroughly charming. At less than a tenner, it’s well worth your time.

Shower With Your Dad Simulator 2015

Not a game I’ve personally played, but one I’ve watched, SWYDS (because I’m not typing that out every time) is a fast-paced arcade game which sounds creepier than it is. The idea is simple: some 8-bit dads and sons are at a swimming pool (I guess?), but the sons are lost. You must guide and match the right son up to their dad and… yeah.

A somewhat subversive take on quick-reaction games, there’s a healthy sprinkling of dad jokes in here and reviewers have said it’s highly addictive as the difficulty increases. SWYDS is going for 79p on Steam at the moment, which sounds like a bargain to me.

The Bunker

Horror games are a staple of YouTube Let’s Plays, where players get to demonstrate their reactions to jump scares and creepiness for the audience’s viewing pleasure. The Bunker had proven a popular choice, partly for its horror storyline, but also for its visual style.

The Bunker is a psychological horror, and a fairly bleak one. Harking back to the 90s, this is a FMV game (i.e. based around filmed video, where clips play after buttons have been pressed and choices made). You guide John, a man who has grown up in a bunker after a strongly implied nuclear disaster has taken place. Now an adult and the only survivor, he’s all alone…right?

I enjoyed this whilst I played it, even if the gameplay did feel more like an interactive movie. The writing is solid and the central performance of Adam Brown as John is outstanding, looking perpetually like a lost schoolboy with too many secrets. The tense, claustrophobic atmosphere ramps up as things go wrong, and you start to wonder exactly what John has seen, or done.

That’s part 1 for now. In part 2, I’ll be looking at Reigns, The Stanley Parable, Life is Strange, The Room (a game based on the infamous cult film) and Goat Simulator.

Read The Voynich Manuscript, One Of The Weirdest Books Ever Written, Free Online

Good day my little free passes to Disneyworld which only get you onto three of the rides but it’s better than going on none. I’ve had an eventful week which included falling down a flight of stairs whilst sober (sadly true) and breaking one or more of my toes. Voynich_manuscript_bathtub2_example_78r_cropped

You may have heard of The Voynich Manuscript, a text similar to The Codex Seraphinianus in that it is full of strange pictures and gobbledygook.Voynich_baths01 Many, however, say there is a genuine message within the pages and people have been trying to work it out since it’s re-discovery in a second hand book shop by Wilfrid Voynich in 1912. Some even claim to have deciphered portions already, though the findings have not been verified. Others say it’s an elaborate hoax. Either way, it’s been carbon dated to the 1500s.

Here is the manuscript, in full, available free online.

Terrifying Science Fiction Monsters of the Natural World

We’ve all seen this clip of the Nemertea, or ribbon worm’s, attempt to digest that man’s hand. Here’s a bit more info, and take comfort in the fact that they can grow up to 54 metres (177 ft) long. That’s longer than my nightmares can cope with:

I’ve been fascinated by disgusting animals since I saw a fly give birth to a maggot. “They don’t give birth to maggots” I hear you cry, “they lay eggs.” Well, I didn’t realise that until years later when it hit me that the thing wasn’t giving birth, it was being eaten from the inside out. Eeuuuuuurrr.

So, for anyone else delighting in the SciFi, B Movie creatures of our natural world, here are a few more (have a peek at my previous post) grotesques to see you on your way.

Here’s a BBC clip of a leech swallowing a giant worm. It’s like it’s eating itself. A self-hating leech. Well, not quite, I’m sure they have very different bodily make-up, but…oh, just watch it.

Tapeworms are pretty disgusting. A while ago scientist Michael Mosley infested himself with parasites for a TV programme and here is a little clip:

If ever a creature evolved from the tears of frightened children the ‘living fossil’ Goblin Shark would be it. Growing to lengths of 12.6 feet (384cm) the oddest thing about them is their freaky protruding jaws:

You know how it is. It’s spring, you’re thinking of which flowers you want in your garden, what would look pretty with what. Look no further – here’s The Corpse Flower, a plant known for the stench of rotten flesh:

Butterflies, bees and other creepy crawlies sometimes drink tears – my tears when I think about this too much:

Let’s end on a cute (but still pretty weird) note with the Dumbo Octopus. Look at its little ears!

Codex Seraphinianus: A New Edition of the Strangest Book in the World

The strangest book in the world and I’ve never heard of it? Well, yes, there’s probably quite a lot I haven’t heard of. Never mind, here’s a link to an article on a very odd book in an unknown language with intriguingly bizarre pictures. codex-HORSEY

Odd Art News: A mysterious Oklahoma monument, museum of bad art and a sculpture made of chewing gum

Art is in the eye of the beholder. I like to think that if a person decides to make art and then does something, that’s precisely what they’re doing. No big guidelines, no list of rules (man!). It just depends on whether the result is your cup of tea.

Therefore technically performance art is occurring at my house every day. Seriously, come and see, the Dance of the Towels was a particularly beautiful piece.

So here’s a quick news roundup of odd art I spied today, follow the links for more joy.

A monument to Azathoth, HP Lovecraft’s ‘God of Chaos,’ appeared overnight in front of a restaurant in the Paseo Arts District of Oklahoma in August.

One legged babies and sculptures made of chewing gum. Yum yum! Have a look at the oddest sculptures conceived.

You might get thrown out if you're caught nibbling. I'll still try though
You might get thrown out if you’re caught nibbling. I’ll still try though

This makes me both happy and sad. The Museum of Bad Art has put ‘so bad they’re good’ pieces on display, though in my opinion no art of any kind will ever replace The Room‘s ultimate position as Worst Ever Anything.  Anyone wanting to see more can skim through this best of collection of photos from the unfortunate museum pieces. Here’s my personal favourite: museum-bad-art-painting

Well, there we go. Try not to weep at the beauty and I shall see you next time.

The oddest Asian films I’ve seen so far, plus baby shaped pears

Fancy seeing you here. No, I’m not following you, we just know the same people. Well maybe you’re following me, did you think of that?

OK so I’m going to assume you’ve seen the films of Takashi Miike, Chan-Wook Park, Tetsuo, Battle Royale and all those ‘girl with hair on face’ films.

Warning: Some of these trailers might have disturbing things in them. Others are just silly. Now let’s have a look.

1. Matango: Attack of the Mushroom People.This is a colourful and slightly campy 60s offering from Japan (and looks very much like the inside of my brain), though its not without its moments of tension. A group of holiday makers crash a ship on an island and find themselves without much food, but never fear: those mushrooms look tasty! Unfortunately they have some side effects.

2. Horrors of Malformed Men. There’s a mad scientist on an island! He’s made genetic freaks! He’s…doing Butoh on a rock?…He’s… telling a convoluted back story to someone about things I don’t quite understand…

3. The Forbidden Door. Indonesian outing which, even with a disappointing ending, was entertaining enough for me. An artist who makes sculptures of slightly too realistic pregnant women stumbles on a secret door in the house he shares with his girlfriend. Not only that but a friend introduces him to a very exclusive and very disturbing club. It’s not Fight Club.

4. Hansel and Gretel. Included because it’s so pretty (never fear, it’s more than a little odd), this is a Korean film about a man who gets lost in the woods. He stumbles on a beautiful house filled with a loving family, but the parents look worried…

5. House. 70s Japanese film about a group of friends who go on holiday (people just need to stop going on holiday) to a house in the country. A house of some seriously weird sh*t!

6. Dumplings. What’s in the dumplings that keeps everyone looking so young and beautiful? Let’s not ask…

OK that’s all I have time for but I’ll be keeping my eyes open for more weirdness. In the meantime have a look at this news story about pears in China that have been “shaped during its initial stages of growth using special molds” to resemble babies. Yum.

Top ten weirdest fanfiction stories

Whilst researching the fantasy genre for a graphic novel I’m planning I found myself entrenched in the murky world of fanfiction. I’ve nothing against it per say, I just find it mildly disturbing…because it usually is quite disturbing (although I have to agree, I have always wondered about Holmes and Watson).

I found this Top Ten list of the most bizarre stories online via the Top Tenz website, here’s the original article. For a website with a title that includes deliberate cutesy spelling mistakes this article is very funny, and I had to share it with you. Seriously, if you thought you knew how bizarre it could get, you were wrong. Have a look:


“Fan fiction is perhaps the single strangest method of creative expression ever conceived. Despite the fact that the form is fueled entirely by people incapable of coming up with their own characters, there are works that show a remarkable—and often disturbing—level of creativity. Writers, unchained from the burdens of conventional standards of plot, pacing and grammar, are free to put their favorite characters in any situation they can dream of; and what they dream of is often insane. Here are ten fan fiction stories that we found especially baffling; although because TopTenz strives to be safe for work we eliminated any explicitly erotic stories—and therefore 99.97% of the genre—from consideration.

10.  Sailor/ G.I. Joe

sailor moon

G.I. Joe represents America’s finest artistic achievement, and Sailor Moon represents how crazy Japan is. But what happens when the two forces team up to fight their enemies? Cultures collide, magical girls join the military, and stuff gets blown up. A lot of stuff. That’s pretty much all this story is about, actually; it’s like a novelization of the G.I. Joe movie, except with a lot more teenage girls talking about teenage girl things. While they kill people.

The Full Story

It’s a weird combination, because G.I. Joe is manlier than punching a grizzly bear to death while Sailor Moon’s target demographic consists entirely of 12 year old girls; so the writer of this story is either a very confused young man or the most awesome 12 year old girl ever. Also, we’d like to note that they dedicated their tale to the victims of 9/11, which, as we all know, was Cobra Commander’s most heinous act to date.


“Before the Vipers could raise a weapon, the Senshi attacked. ‘Jupiter Oak Evolution!’ Jupiter roared and hurtled a bolt of lightning at the HEAT and SAW Vipers. Both of them screamed as they were engulfed, electricity coursing through them, and both collapsed to the ground with a groan, twitching.”

9. Avatar and Twilight Combine in an Orgy of Clichés

Pandora Twilight

You know those vampire books that all the kids these days are talking about? This may shock you, but they’re popular fodder for fan fiction. Hundreds of thousands of stories popular, to be precise. Out of all that craziness, this crossover with Avatar represents the strangest story we could find before our minds rebelled and refused to process any more tales about sparkling vampires and homoerotic werewolves.

The Full Story

The Twilight gang has come to Pandora to become involved in the Avatar project, presumably because budget cuts have made vapid teenage girls and mopey bloodsuckers the only affordable candidates for becoming nine foot tall Smurfs. Once transformed, they explore the wonders of nature and… oh, wait, they mostly just whine to each other about their love lives. There is a climactic battle, but it’s little more than a brief interruption of all the lovey-dovey talk. So if you liked Avatar but wished all the action had been replaced with sexual tension, then this is the story for you! You creep.


“I’d heard a new guy had arrived today for the Avatar Project,” Jacob says to me in a low voice. “But I haven’t met him yet.” Then he catches my tortured expression. “Bells, don’t worry. I haven’t caught any scent of vampire here. It’s a coinci… oh, ****. Never mind, now I do smell vampire. I’m sorry, Bella.”

8. Halo:  Now With 100% More Anthropomorphic Hedgehog Murder


Sonic the Hedgehog games seem pretty straightforward, but there’s something about the franchise that’s attracted a legion of disturbingly obsessive fans. This story about Sonic characters in the Halo world is just a brief glimpse into Sonic fandom; much stranger tales exist, but to go any deeper would be to invite madness.

The Full Story

The Halo universe is being threatened by an ancient evil, and Sonic and his superfluous friends are just kind of hanging out in it. You’d think that a bunch of anthropomorphized animals would be useless in a place populated entirely by deadly soldiers, and, well, you’d be right. Sonic and company spend most of their time getting in the way, which makes their pointless presence even more mystifying. Also, Amy Rose (a 12 year old girl hedgehog) is violently murdered by a space marine in one of the more disturbing scenes we’ve ever read. Although it’s still not as disturbing as any of the countless stories that involve her having sex.


“Amy attempted to punch and kick sloppily at the soldier, while 018 pointed his sword to the right. He then kicked Amy in the chest, throwing her into one of the walls that held a stone statue that had a fragile build to it, destroying it completely in the procedure. 018 noticed Amy’s dress was becoming wet from the inside, and 018 realized that he might have snapped something from within her infant feeding areas.”

7. NCIS:  Rapture


In this very special NCIS story, the team seriously oversteps their authority when they decide to investigate the secret underwater city of Rapture from the BioShock video games. If you’re not familiar with the games, all you need to know is that they involve crazy people with superhuman powers in a city with a crime rate even worse than Detroit’s. If you’re not familiar with NCIS, all you need to know is that it’s CSI on boats.

The Full Story

The story begins with one of the NCIS members playing BioShock, but in a plot twist that will blow your mind the team learns that the video game is based on reality. Why a secret city would create a video game that would do nothing except incriminate everybody who lived there isn’t explained, but most video games are full of plot holes so we guess we can let it slide.

After that startling revelation, the team says “Hey, we should blow up this city for some reason,” and then they go down there and shoot everybody. In just 14,000 words the team racks up a bigger body count than every episode of the show combined has seen; but it’s all for a good cause because they… uh… actually, they just kill a lot of insane people who were minding their own business. And that’s a shame, because their lack of motivation is the only flaw in this otherwise airtight premise.


“Remember, there are no humans here” whispered Vance. The rest nodded, and they quietly crept up behind the splicer before bludgeoning her to death.”

6. Harry Potter and The Pirates of the Caribbean

Harry Potter Jack Sparrow

There’s a surprising amount of fan fiction involving Harry Potter and the Pirates movies, although the vast majority of stories are simply about Jack Sparrow boning one or more Hogwarts students (usually the male ones). This particular story takes a bold step forward by adding something that vaguely resembles a plot, which explores the question that mankind has asked for generations: what would happen if the Harry Potter heroes went back in time and sailed with the Pirates characters? Of course, there’s still lots of boning, but it’s (relatively) tasteful.

The Full Story

OK, so the plot is mostly an excuse for Harry and his pals to fall in love with Sparrow and company. Which, given their ages differences, is rather disturbing. There is some action, but even during the fight scenes our heroes mostly stand in the background and daydream about each other. Furthermore, everybody’s personalities have been set to “giggling buffoon” mode, which makes the romances so sugary that they become rather nauseating; it’s like watching Care Bears make out. Oh, and Ron gets murdered because there was an uneven number of protagonists. Love can be cruel sometimes.


“Do you, Hermione Granger, take Jack Sparrow to be your loftly wedded husband? Till death due you part?” the priest turned and asked her.

“I do” she responded. She looked back at Jack. Their eyes exchanged looks of love.

5. James Bond Takes Down SPECTRE with the Help of Pinocchio


When the new leader of SPECTRE threatens to turn every child in Europe into a donkey, it’s up to James Bond to stop his nefarious plan. But he can’t do it alone, which is why MI6 must call upon the aid of a time traveling Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket, Lampwick and Geppetto. Why they’re traveling through time to fight evil isn’t made clear, but since any attempt at an explanation would probably make our heads explode we’re not going to complain.

The Full Story

Rather than turn Pinocchio and company into stone cold killing machines, the author instead chose to bring James Bond down to a G rating. While this does keep things family friendly (and this story will no doubt become a timeless family classic one day), it unfortunately eliminates the Bond franchise’s signature wit. So, to our great disappointment, Pinocchio doesn’t lie in order to spear a bad guy with his nose while saying something like “I hope you don’t mind me nosing around.” Although Geppetto does blow up two motorcycles, so that’s something.


“James Bond’s view of M’s three guests changed when he saw not a microphone under the hat but a rather large clothed anthropomorphic cricket. James was a logical man like all 00 agents had to be but the only logical conclusion to seeing the cricket was were real life characters from the aftermath of the story of Pinocchio when the puppet was made a real boy. James Bond was not only in the presence of time travelers, but time travelers from an earth time line where the story of Pinocchio was true and not a fairy tale.”

4. Lord of the Scooby Snacks

lord of the rings

While The Lord of the Rings is undeniably a masterpiece, we can all agree that it would have been even better had it also included a talking dog that solved mysteries. One fan fiction author, seeing the error of J.R.R. Tolkien’s ways, wrote a story that dropped the cast of Scooby Doo straight into Middle Earth.

The tale begins with Scooby and the rest of the gang finding the one ring, which transports them to the Shire and turns them into hobbits. They promptly team up with Frodo and company to destroy the ring; the story is basically the same as the source material, except most of the rich mythology has been replaced with a love triangle featuring Fred, Daphne and Legolas. Oh, and Scooby falls in love with a sexy elf dog.

The Full Story

Sadly, this epic wasn’t finished, so we’ll never know how it ends. However, we’re willing to bet that the plan was for Sauron to be defeated by an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine, at which point he was unmasked and revealed to be mean old Lobelia Baggins.


“Fred glares at Legolas. “Oh man! Why on Middle Earth did have to get stuck with this guy?”Fred thinks. “And I wish I knew why Daphne likes him so much.” Fred looks a Legolas’s long hair and his tall figure. “So he’s handsome, I still don’t see what’s so great about him.” The young Hobbit thinks. “I hope we reach the town soon.” Just then Fred hears a noise that sound a bit like Orks.”

3. Sherlock Holmes and Watson Make Out, Also Have Pokemon

holmes and watson

People have been writing Sherlock Holmes fan fiction since the character’s debut, but this story is unique in that it also involves Pokémon, and it involves them for a reason that not even the great detective could figure out.

The Full Story

The tale begins with Holmes trying to seduce Watson, but Watson is so distressed by this that he packs up his Pokémon and leaves for another city to become a Pokémon doctor. Holmes, unable to resist his true love, tracks Watson down, shows him his newly acquired Pokémon, and pretty much comes within a step of committing rape. At first Watson resists, but then their two Pokémon merge into one, and Watson is so impressed by the act that he gives into his feelings for Holmes. They share a passionate kiss, and while much is left unanswered we’re just thankful that the story ended before they showed each other their second kind of pocket monster, if you know what we mean.

We mean their genitals. It’s implied they touch each others genitals.


“It gave me a sad look. I wanted to ask what was wrong but I still couldn’t find my voice. Then, without warning, Slowbrow grabbed my hand with its newly free paws. It then grabbed Holmes’ hand with the other. We both stared at it in uncertainty. Slowbro brought our hands together, and they connected like puzzle pieces.”

2. The Lion King is Retold with the cast of The Golden Girls and Courage the Cowardly Dog

golden girls

In the most surreal crossover known to man, Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia wake up one day to find that they’ve become lion cubs fathered by Mufasa. Courage is there for some reason too, and together they grow up with Simba, destined to do great things.

The Full Story

Only two chapters were written before the author abandoned the story, presumably because they recognized their own insanity and checked themselves in to a mental institution. If you’re wondering why we’re including a story that only lasted two chapters, it’s because those two chapters pack in more craziness than most complete works. For example: at the end of chapter two, Dorothy develops telekinetic powers and uses them to make a buffalo explode. And, if you listen carefully as you read about it, you can hear your mind snap.


“But then one of the buffalo charged right at us and then before I knew Dorothy activated a pink, transparent, glossy telekinetic bubble and barricaded the both of us from that buffalo. The buffalo smashed right into the bubble and was instantly electrocuted and stunned into a paralyzing daze. He then swooned to the ground and the rest of the herd lunged right for us. ‘Fire away, Pussycat!’ I commanded Dorothy challengingly and then Dorothy shot and discharged streaks of pink lightning bolts from the telekinetic bubble in a flare of fury and then several of the buffalo were stunned and electrocuted as the electricity spewed out through their bodies and were flattened to the ground.”

1. Twilight and Harry Potter – Horrifying Pregnancies


Yeah, we know what you’re thinking. “After all the weird stuff they’ve shown me, they’re going to end with a run-of-the-mill Twilight/Harry Potter crossover? How lame is that?” Well, we’ll explain. Jeez, show some patience. Jerk.

For starters, this work in progress has already reached 319,000 words, which makes it longer than any of the novels it’s based on. Even more worrying, it comes with a disclaimer: “Will have mpregs!” For our laymen readers, that means male pregnancies. That also means it’s OK for you to stop reading and slowly back away from your computer; we won’t judge you.

Full Story

 We’ll admit that we didn’t read the entire thing because, well, it’s a 319,000 word story about male Harry Potter and Twilight characters getting knocked up. But from what we skimmed before our eyes started to bleed we deduced that this epic tale is about Harry and Draco moving to Forks for some reason, where they promptly shack up with Edward and Jacob, respectively. There’s really no plot beyond that; it’s just hundreds of thousands of words of flirting, moping and making out.

There are about 20 scenes of Harry Potter getting in and out of the shower, and everybody spends most of their time telling each other how nice they look without shirts on. It would actually be less gay if they just had sex. And when that finally happens, Draco ends up pregnant. There’s even a long explanation as to how this is possible, although thankfully the details of how the child will be delivered are left out. But don’t worry; we’re sure some other fan fiction writer will cover that soon enough.


“No,” Draco snapped. “No you don’t! My father can barely stand to look at me, Jacob’s on the other side of the country and I don’t even know what I feel for this- this baby growing inside of me!”

“I thought you told your dad you didn’t want to terminate.”

“Usually…I don’t,” admitted. “But sometimes I just want it to all go away.” His lips pursed in self-disgust and anger. “And then two seconds later, I feel horrible. I feel horrible that I don’t want this kid whole-heartedly and without hesitation. And just seeing Jacob…just having him think it’s so easy…I…” Draco shook his head, almost curling into himself as his arms wrapped around his middle.”

By Mark Hill

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