So apparently an X factor winner, Ollie Murs, has a new TV programme out in which he asked fans to suggest things for him to do in each town during his tour. I’ve concocted my own list which he will hopefully accept:
1. Weep onto a baby’s head
2. Stagger around the town centre with scrotum exposed, asking if its normal
3. Shout obscenities at clouds
4. Tell everyone it was better in his day, when X Factor wasn’t on telly
5. Sing ‘I am what I am’ in sequinned suspenders and tear-streaked mascara
6. Sell insurance to trees
7. Carry a pet rock around, licking it surreptitiously
8. Go to the pub and announce ‘all big northern men who drink together are probably secretly in love’
9. Find a landmark and spend the day attempting to produce gold from his anus
10. Purchase a current bun and introduce it as his new wife
Madeleine Swann 